The Parade Marches On...

One can only imagine what they will become when they grow up. Some of us never do, grow up that is, and some of us become immensely successful at something yet others roll around in the middle. And then there are parking enforcement officers....

It could be the least cool (for lack of a better word) and potentially most cruel profession in the entire world. What type of human could possibly stand constantly ruining people's days? If parking enforcement officers were a vegetable they would be brussels sprouts, unsavory and hated just on sight alone.


Raining on everyone's parades one $15 ticket at a time. The type of human who occupies this profession must have something internally scrambled. Who could take pleasure in such a task? The same sect of persons who enjoy anchovies on pizza, taking something that everyone enjoys and totally pissing all over it. Or in the parking enforcement world, on the door handle.

Can't the public be allowed to park in peace without having to sprint out of meetings, offices, school, the gym etc etc to shove fucking quarters down the gullet of meter? I understand the world needs laws, but I don't recall the Bill of Rights being drafted with parking enforcement in mind. I'm sure the founding fathers are spinning in their respective graves... Besides any "officer" who carries around pens, an electronic ticket maker and on average an extra 20-30 lbs is no officer at all.



So next time you see an expired meter,even though its illegal, shove a few quarters in it, or at the very least a nickel and keep the anchovies off the pizza that is metered parking.

The Lunacy of Beings

Sorry for the non-existence, call it burnt out, call me a burn out, call it whatever you want but don't call me daughter. Consider my creative juice tank full again and I will attempt to rattle off any and all ideas that come through my cranium. But will most likely fail...

If you think this picture looks cool, I hate you.


Today's verbal evisceration goes out the people who cloth their animals. Hands down, it is my number one most hated trend. What genius started this fad and when will it phase itself out of society? Not soon enough.

It bothers me so much that I can barely craft a simple sentence without wanting to scream at the top of my lungs. When your dog wakes up in the morning do you think it wonders what its going to wear? No fucking way, they aren't people, and for thousands of years animals made it just fine without clothes so I fail to see why you still think doggie boots look cute, or practical for that matter.

Isn't that what it should be all about, practicality? Dog clothes are not practical, they are a serious misallocation of resources. (By the way blogger, why does your spell check officially blow, misallocation is indeed a word and spelled properly yet all I get is red squiggles, get on that) Actual excerpt from a dog clothing website:

Name withheld outfits your babies with the finest in doggie fashion wear clothing. Whether your dog needs lounge wear or formal wear, if you're looking for small dog clothes, or big dog clothes, we have the perfect apparel to complete your best friends wardrobe. Our clothing lines consist of the top designers in the canine fashion world. Our extensive list of suppliers includes many who specialize in tiny dog clothes but also high end fashion for big dogs too.

There is a fucking canine fashion world? This must be a sign of the coming apocalypse. Where does this world exist? I only ask so I know where the fuck not to go. Just look it the pictures, not a single dog looks happy in clothes. They are the looks of despair, depression, of whoring out pageantry that couldn't be more unnecessary.



I would love to get my hands on the throats of the "top designers in the canine fashion world" and shake the ever loving shit out of them. Swindling the public into purchasing clothes for animals and actually making a living out of it. I don't know who to be more upset with, the swill merchants (thanks Almost Famous) that pump this garbage out or the sect of society that buys it. I guess there is a thing as too much money.

Dogs like to play fetch, get their stomachs rubbed and eat your shoes. I'm pretty sure squeezing into a tube top is not on that list. Dogs would (and some do) rather eat their own excrement that put on a pair of jeans. So please next time you see a dog in a ball gown kick the owner in the shins.

PS While searching for pictures of dogs with clothes I encountered dog bikinis. I am now so enraged that I will not be putting up said pictures because every time I see them I OD on anger.

Danza's Everywhere

What a Super Bowl... I was rooting for the Cardinals, but with that finish I could care less. even with that incredible ending, the greatest point in the whole game came during halftime, The Boss, at 162 years old still rips. I hope everyone didn't switch over to the Puppy Bowl because it was truly a performance of a lifetime.

That power slide into the camera was probably the best halftime move ever, it was then followed by the worst... The fake referee entering stage right throwing a flag on The Boss for excessive celebration. A) The only thing that would have ruined that performance was a fake referee and B) no one in the world has the balls to flag The Boss, no one.



Whoever signed off on that portion of the show should immediately be fired for allowing that atrocity to occur. Much worse than any nipple slip could be, unless they were Jared from Subway's... Gross visual. $20 says they resemble dinner plates.

The one song The Boss does need to add to his repertoire is the Who's The Boss theme song, that would be bad ass. Especially if Tony Danza peeled out on stage in that molester van he used to roll around in. The possibilities would be endless. A Danza/Springsteen collaboration would decimate all. It would be like Jordan/Pippen all over again, only on crystal meth. I think that means Max Weinberg = Mona, sorry Max, they all can't be winners. Some entity needs to make that dream a reality. I now have a purpose in life. Attention Super Bowl halftime Committee, I am available to help.



I'm listening to my iPod on shuffle, all 5,000 plus songs, talk about a mind explosion. Just to drop some knowledge, 90% of songs sound better when covered by punk bands... I can't really explain that statement but it's true. There is nothing quite like hearing Rufio cover Madonna. Tasty licks.

One more thing to address, Dairy Queen. I love it, you love it, we all love it so why has blizzard service and service in general been suspended at my local DQ until March 15th?!?!?!?!?!?!?! (R. Kelly just came on, I knew today would be a good one.) Sorry, brief concentration lapse. I know it's winter, I see the snow on the ground but that doesn't mean that blizzards have become obsolete for the entire season. If anything, given their delicious, weather inspired name, they are more relevant now than during any other season. Seriously DQ hook it up.

A Meeting of the Minds

Holy shit... My life is now complete because of this. Meet the Bacon Explosion, the epitome of all that is gluttonous and glutenous in one big roll of meat. The inventor of that thing deserves a noble prize in kicking ass. I think the only way it could get any better is if it replaced turkey on Thanksgiving.

There is only one ingredient that makes bacon better, more fucking bacon. Heaps and heaps of bacon slathered in bacon in and around a roll of sausage? OMGZDPDGFODIHHSPGFIGH! I just nutted. Dip it in some Baconnaise and I'm all yours baby.



If this post came out yesterday like it was supposed to I would look uber clever, but it didn't and now the Explosion is all over Yahoo! like bacon on sausage on top of bacon. Oh well, I hope how ever you found out about the Bacon Explosion or as I call it The Greatest Invention Ever you still make room for it on your dining room table, or TV tray for that matter.

One more little morsel for today, for once in my life I feel bad for Jessica Simpson. Who cares if she put on a couple lbs... she is still a smoke show. So Jessica if you read this, I'll love you no matter your size and if your looking to add some more I have a Bacon Explosion in the the smoker right now.

History is Banging History

After having deliberated in my head and re-reading my post from earlier in the month I think I can be almost 100% certain that the Snuggie is indeed Thunderlips. I hope the American public doesn't get duped into the Snuggie when the Slanket has been there for them all along. Damn you Snuggie and your hostile takeover. A comparison was almost drawn to the current Gaza Strip conflict but I thought better of it. On second thought I hate the Snuggie so much I thought it would be insulting to Hamas if I compared them to a knock-off sleeve blanket.


Now let's talk inauguration... as if everyone hasn't been already. Botching the oath was pretty sweet, not a great first impression Barack... but who's perfect? Part of me still wishes Barack Obama did not win this election, the problems he is saddled with are going to be nearly impossible to rectify in four years and what of that exponentially sized wall of bulletproof glass constantly in the picture? Doesn't that say a lot about our country? That there are still people that will kill a man based on race or the fact that the guy they voted for didn't win. Sad.



On the other side of the pillow are the droves of people that trekked to D.C. just to be a part of something, that says something great too, that some of us, a lot of us, believe. What is it that we all believe in? I'll have to think more about that but it is a tremendous start.

While listening to NPR on the ride home many commented that Obama's speech lacked that gusto others possessed in their speeches. My response is so what. It isn't a time for a Mission Accomplished banners and a bomber jacket with a dorky "we won" smile, it's time for critical thinking and reserved expressions. Currently I would say none of us are winning, the economy is in shambles, we are losing lives in a country that hates us and our 43rd President garnered absolutely no respect from other foreign countries, it wasn't time for a maverick. It was and is time for a level headed, clear thinking, intellectually sound person who is willing to work his balls off to make it better for everyone else. Will it happen? Maybe, maybe not but everyone should wait and see before dragging a President through the mud on a Facebook status update.



My point? To be completely honest, I am not sure I have one yet. An apt summation would be to shut the hell up and do something, anything at all really, something other than just watching and pointing fingers. All I could think about mid-speech was that I needed to be helping someone in some way. I felt worthless for a minute and appreciated the next. And do not think I am only talking to Republicans, I blame a lot of things on the old regime but this is something we all need to get on board with because these next few years will be trying times for everyone of every color and creed. I just hope the importance of that is not lost in the message.

Back to the funny soon I promise.

The OG

Guess who's back??? Again, sorry for another prolonged absence but a month long hibernation was much needed. My mind is clear and my carpel tunnel is gone which means that thoughts will be spewing forth on a semi-regular, until I get lazy again basis. Hooray!!

First off, Happy New Year and it will begin with a furious debate that has been making the rounds amongst my friends for a few weeks. Snuggie vs Slanket. For those of you with actually lives that last sentence (or sentence fragment) may not mean much to you but to those fellow infomercial mavens no explanation is necessary.



The only thing out there Billy Mays isn't pitching right now is the Snuggie, a very large blanket with sleeves that allows the occupant to use the remote, pick up the phone, make coffee, give yourself a reach around etc etc all while maintaining full blanket cover. Sounds great, right? It is and it was, when someone else came out with it a few years prior. Those in the know however, recognize only the first and undisputed champ of sleeve blankets, the Slanket.

Why is the Slanket the G.O.A.T. of extra large sleeve blankets? Because it's the OG. Nothing beats an original. Which movie is better Rocky or Rocky III? The Slanket is Rocky and the Snuggie is Thunderlips. All the manufacturer of the Snuggie is doing is capitalizing on another persons ingenious idea. Was there any reason for Hulk Hogan to be in that movie? Hell no, it should have been all about Clubber Lang vs. Rocky Balboa. Inserting Thunderlips into the script was clearly a move to profit off of the Hulk's popularity. Talk about a parallel.



For instance, the Snuggie comes in 3 colors. The Slanket? 11!!!!! Hey Snuggie, take your burgundy, sage green and royal blue and blow it out your ass. Talk about manhandling your competition, not only that but the Slanket also offers a children's size. Does the Snuggie? Of course not, those assholes want your kids to drown in a sea of fleece until they suffocate. Not the Slanket people, looking out for you and your kids since 98'.

The Snuggie mongers try to suck you in with a cheap reading light and by giving you a second set free, but I'm not biting. Nice try you unoriginal pricks. Besides, the only reason they are offering that deal is because even the Snuggie recognizes the Slanket's superiority. The final piece of evidence speaks for itself, their respective websites Snuggie or Slanket ?



The Snuggie site has the pay form right on the front page, pretty white trash website if you ask me. Take the time to read those Slanket testimonials, pure gold. I pity the fool who doesn't get a Slanket. So please, don't rush off and grab a Snuggie or else you would be rooting for Clubber Lang.

Wiipression Pt II

Just when you thought it was safe...

The Wii Fit came out to the living room for a very family Thanksgiving and guess what? Shit went nuts. Grandma slipped and fell on the stupid balance board and split her head open. A trip to the hospital followed... this is war Wii Fit.

I hope everyone else had a better experience. If your not still eating leftover sandwiches doused in gravy or making Thanksgiving casseroles, cramming everything into one dish and making one great dish then step your food game up or get out of America!