A Call to Arms

This post will be short and sweet, more of a public service announcement than a blog post.




Tomorrow is easily one of my favorite days of the year. Many prefer a nice and slutty Halloween or a drunken rage filled St. Paddy's day but to me April Fools is number 1. Sadly, the art of the practical joke is almost as dead as Latin.

So please get out there and revive this lost craft. Whether it's covering a toilet with saran wrap so piss splashes all over your roommate's feet or turning off all the hot water and forcing your house mates to shower in the frigid cold its all good. Just make someones day a little brighter with a sprinkle of E in their morning coffee.



It doesn't have to be something over the top, although fake stealing a friends car and moving it two towns over would be hilarious, it just has to be something. I implore you to get out there and pull some pranks because if laughter is the best medicine, pranks must make the best pain killers.

Enuff Z'nuff

With the latest diarrhea flow that is Jose Canseco dropping another book I feel that I must provide an opinion that not only includes the feelings of myself but also most of the sports fan population. I could care less who used/is using steroids. In fact it is fair to say I'm over you steroids. At this point I wouldn't be surprised if Jose accused George W. Bush of juicing. Besides Jose calling anyone out for steroids is probably as effective and meaningful as O.J. Simpson starting an organization to find Jon Benet's killer. I'm not buying it, sorry Juice.



I'm not here to cry foul, just to cry cut the shit. I get it, athletes use steroids to maintain the exceptional skills that got them where they are. Why wouldn't they? They only have millions of dollars to lose. To rehab from injuries faster and to produce more, all for the sake of the game or money. Whatever their motivational factor for juicing, it doesn't matter. Like Sonny said "Do you think Mickey Mantle cares if you can't pay your rent?" Fuck no he didn't, nor should he.

It would be great to sit down and watch a baseball game without ESPon's bottom line treating Jose Canseco's words like he was the Pope. Last I checked dude wasn't really considered a stand up guy. I think he has been arrested for domestic violence thrice times? Sounds like a real catch. He could really smack a baseball though and that's what it was all about. The fact he beat three wives? No big deal, the accusation that he knows a bunch of guys who allegedly took steroids? National news, Congressional hearings and 500 page investigations. Chew on that.



It really isn't even about Jose, I'm pretty sure the guy in the office next to me takes steroids, he's a behemoth of a man but I bet he can't hit a baseball 450 feet. Better yet, I don't think he can touch his own shoulders. Which leads to the real question: do steroids cause back acne or does the fact those man beasts are so massive they can't wash their own backs the culprit?
Honestly, I really would want the answer to that last question than hear one more fucking thing about steroids.

At this point I'm assuming everyone is on steroids just to save myself from all the "Can you believe so and so was using?" Now I can respond "Yeah I knew that and so was Mother Teresa. How do think she preformed all those miracles?" In summation, I don't give a fuck about who is using what or where they do it. As long as syringes aren't falling out of Manny's pants when he non-hustles to a ball in left field and the Fenway Franks are still plump and juicy, baseball will be fine by me.

Get With the Flogram

I am sure by now your brain has been inundated with more Flomax commercials that one can possibly stand but I must say, it looks like they are having a great time. Now that we have gotten that out of the way please stop showing them.

Grandpa mountain biking up rocky terrain, an all male, 55+ kayaking trip, driving the California coastline with 4 of my closest dude friends all in our golden years!! Where do I sign up? I can't wait until I have a problems with frequent urination and then take a pill to solve it, allowing me to do all things I wish I could have accomplished before I had to pee all the time.



Give me a fucking break. A bike seat is uncomfortable for anyone to sit in, not just geriatric men with flow problems. How about you take all that money spent on advertising Flomax and invent a more comfortable bike seat? I didn't realize kayaking was impossible for men with piss issues. Your surrounded by water, just let it fly big man.

Enough! There is only a small section of the population needing your piss pill so I really can't see the need for your commercial to be in rotation all the time. Not to mention I highly doubt anyone who is watching TV will pick up the phone in front of all their buddies to demand Flomax. I think that niche market will manage to find a way to you without a commercial every 5 minutes.


If there was a serious market competition in the urine flow pill industry I would understand flooding (pun intended) the market with your shtick but I haven't seen a single ad for a pill competing with yours. Furthermore, aren't flow problems something that should be discussed in privacy? We can't show tits on TV but we can talk about men struggling to release the hounds? That makes perfect sense.

This is me waving the white flag Flomax, you win. I may not have any serious urinary problems yet but when I develop them in 30-40 years I am all yours. Until then cool it on the commercials . Catch you on the rapids!!!!

Tales of a Passerby

I don't have/show distaste for too many groups of people, (exceptions to the rule: Dook Fans, Religious extremists, Ann Coulter type Republicans, and Mega Hippies) I may dislike certain qualities in people but never usually the entity itself. This is one of those instances where I may be seen as a dick but really I'm trying to clear things up.


One of the many characteristics I cannot stand would be the Extended Greeter (EG). Sure we went to the same high school, or grew up in the same town but does that warrant a 15 minute conversation in the middle of the street? If we were in the same circle of friends at some point in our lives perhaps it would. However, clearly back then you weren't interested in what I was doing and probably vice versa and we both turned out OK. So what we share a mutual friend, just say hello and keep on rolling.

I get it, your trying to be friendly. That's awesome and if you really want to start a friendship say it. Don't clog up the sidewalk with your EG and expect me to stop whatever I was doing or be late to wherever I was headed to listen about how you really found yourself a few years ago when you took some time off to backpack through the French Alps. Those little tidbits are unimportant to me at this point in time. Why would you share so much with me in a passerby setting? Obviously you have a place to be as well, get there and relax with the EG.




It's not that I think my life is better than yours because chances are yours is better. It really is just the situation of listening to you babble on and on while all I'm thinking about is; Shit, now I'm going to be late and I will have to explain this whole fucking scenario to another person who won't give a shit about your French Alps experience and also probably won't see it as a valid excuse for running late.

You see that downward spiral EG's can cause? Next thing you know your losing your job because all your co-workers realize that maybe you don't give a shit about their stories or may not consider them worthy of more than a quick hello during a passing by. Thus creating inter-office tension being resolved in the only way possible, cutting the cancer. Not only are you out on the street but everyone also thinks your a prick. Great.




Of course it could be easier to accept every EG without question. Then, you would be late without an excuse and save your life and job without offending anyone but that won't create a wave of change will it? Hell no. If you find yourself in an EG situation invite it another time or tell them to piss off that way your either making a new friend or only pissing off someone you could give a fuck about anyway, and the best part? You get to keep your job.


NCAA Post Script: Today's blog was brought to you by Greg Paulus's tears.

Too Cool For School

I am a sports fan, basketball, baseball, football, Flemish curling, you name it I might watch it. When ESPN burst onto the scene everyone was ecstatic. A 24 hour sports only channel? Marvelous. Now I have a reason not to look for a job and shit in a bedpan so I won't miss a minute of all the exciting sports news. Now some 20 odd years later ESPN has take it to a level the everyday sports fan cannot stand. (Or at least that I cannot stand.)




I would now wax poetic about how the Internet revolutionized the news industry and gave everyone and anyone the ability to pump out stories as fast as we could copy them down, but everyone who is reading this should know about all that jazz considering your on the Internet so we will skip to the point: ESPN Insider is destroying all that is good about anything sports related.

See a sweet article about one of your favorite players potentially being traded? Go ahead click on it, read the first two sentences and wham! Sorry your not an ESPN Insider and you cannot access this article. Click here to become an insider. Great for you ESPN, you already control all that is everything in the sports world forcing us to listen to some of the worst commentary the modern world has ever encountered and now you want us to pay for manufactured stories about potential things that may or may not happen. Fuck that and fuck you.




Want to see who your favorite college teams are recruiting for this upcoming football/basketball season? Sorry only insiders are allowed to view that privileged information. In fact because ESPon started the pay for information trend other sites have been following suit. Sure you can check out some info on every site but the minute you try to dig into the meat of the story they snatch it away in their claws of injustice.

Aren't these the same media outlets that get on celebrities and athletes for demanding their privacy? Crying foul when they can't get the whole story no matter how many personal details it may include or how many lives it could potentially damage? You treat others with reckless abandon and expect the public to bow down and open their wallets for your "inside" information? Well I'm not buying into it and anyone who does is a fool.

And where does this insider information come from? Ex-athletes who played the game? Nope guess again. Former coaches? Occasionally. Little nerdy English majors whose major personal sporting moment was the IM semi finals in C league basketball? Of course they are. Inside info should come from guys who have actually been inside the trenches not guys who stand around and guess what it was like.




Am I wrong? Usually, but not here. Your the asshole ESPN, you started out so good and now look at you, giving hand jobs for quarters to buy a clue.....

NCAA: Not Caring About Areas

It's early March and you know what that means, yes that lousy smarch weather but also the week amongst weeks, NCAA tourney time baby! Normally I prep for this by stockpiling snacks and beers and develop a serious case of couch lock after my week long stay in front of the TV. This year however may be a little different.




The NCAA tournament can be considered a religion to many, including myself but this year has some major flaws that need to be addressed. The number one issue with this year's tourney is geography. I'm no Lewis & Clark but the last time I checked the only thing remotely resembling the West in Tampa is this place. Sweet. I still don't think that justifies holding a West Regional game in Tampa. Who schedules these sites? Games in Little Rock and Birmingham but not a single game in the Northeast? That makes sense. Some of the residents of those cities can't even spell basketball. Nice planning Magellan.




What precisely is east about Anaheim, the only thing Anaheim is east of is the Pacific Ocean, great call though. Why can't the NCAA get this right? All they try to do is stress the student in student-athlete and they can't even set up their own tournament geographically correct. So much for no child left behind.




I don't think it is unreasonable to ask the NCAA to alleviate their geographic ineptitude for future tourneys, and if they don't I may be forced to head down to Raleigh to check out the Midwest Regional. HUH?