The Art of the Beholder

The concept of art has always perplexed me. Some say anything can be art to which I say no fucking way. On the sad side of this story is some artist in Latin America who chained a starving dog to a wall and left him there without food or water until death. Cool art. Now that everyone is crying I will try to get those frowns turned upside down.



Dying dogs are not art. Actively participating in the death of an animal cannot be considered art. Why? Because anything you could potentially serve time for should not be rewarded. Next up criminal defense attorneys will be using art as the reason for defending their murderous clients.

"Your honor, esteemed members of the jury, sure my client stabbed his ex-wife 31 times but really it was just artistic expression not premeditated murder. Would you lock up Da Vinci if he had stabbed Lisa Gherardini? I don't think so."




If I take a dump in a bag, poke holes in it and then proceed to spin around in a circle slanging feces around the room would I be considered an artist? What if I took a homeless man and chained him to a wall to die? Art? I fucking hope not.

When I think of art I think Bob Ross (that soothing voice always got me), landscapes, sculptures, paintings, drawings etc. Unfortunately animal sacrifices never made that list. In all the art classes I ever took I can't remember starving things as one of lessons. You can have your dead animals, I'll take still life's of a bowl filled with fruit.



Bottom line, if you disagree with my interpretation of art don't invite me to your openings. And if anyone needs a nude model hit me up!

Stay a Toys R' Us Kid

I read yesterday. Ha, those words in that order made me laugh. Sorry, while browsing online yesterday I read that Miley Cyrus agreed to write her memoirs. Really? Your 15, you can't drive a car, buy cigarettes or see an R rated movie but memoirs are a great idea? Granted her life during the first 15 years was considerably different than mine or 95% of the population but I don't think I need to read about it. Besides during my last 15 years I was in college and I'm willing to bet those years were way more interesting than your 15.




My advice would be to wait, wait until your on top of the pop world and crumble into nothing (see Spears) or wait until you've maxed out your child stardom and faded away into obscurity. Either of those scenarios would be far more interesting than your current one. Besides you need one catastrophic meltdown before you can release a memoir, everyone knows that.

This post isn't about hating on Miley Cyrus because if at 15 some publisher offered me millions for my memoirs I would have sold out faster than Furbies in 1999. Can't we let people live at least half of their lives before we ask them to reveal everything. The average life expectancy in this country is 78.2 years (thanks Wikipedia!), 15 is about a 1/5 th of that, sorry not enough. So what your toys had lead paint in them, not enough of a plot.




Publishing companies should listen up, wait until people make huge mistakes before asking for their memoirs. Sure, success stories are good too but the only 15 year old with one of those is Doogie Howser M.D. Give me the tales of grit and despair! People don't want to read about a privileged childhood spent in lavish homes and sweet ass vacations. Of course I'm jealous of that, shit, I wish my dad wrote "Achy Breaky Heart" (Thanks for nothing, dad), but I certainly don't want to read about it.



Moral of the story, develop a nasty drug habit and spiral downward with a few rehab stints sprinkled in between and then we can talk about book deals. Until then keep being a kid.

Top of the Pornin to ya

My commute every day is so monotonous that I recognize the cars I commute with as well as the beings that inhabit them, it freaks me out. There is also one other constant every morning between 7:52 AM -8:06 AM a porn store is open for business. Yes, that's right, an erotic adult book and movie store is open at the same time you need to put your kids on the school bus. Not only that but each morning there are 5 -10 cars in the parking lot.




Can we be expected to fathom why a porn store is open at 8 AM? Is someone addicted so badly to porn that they need it with their morning coffee? And if there is someone like that can we make sure they never show their face in public? Can I write a whole paragraph in only smart-ass rhetorical questions? Perhaps? Shit, messed it up.




Back to the topic at hand? Sorry, couldn't resist. I can't imagine the alleged human who sits down at his breakfast table each morning with a full meal, a copy of Juggs magazine and pops in a tape of Backdoor Brides part 17. I don't think that is what the powers that be had in mind when they designed multiple breakfast foods with holes in them. Or did they? I certainly I hope not but it would be a great conspiracy to start. After all it has been ingrained in us since we were little kids, breakfast is the most important meal of the day!



The world is desensitizing, awesome, but I don't think I am ready for mornings full of porn. Usually at this point I would say "to each his own, blah, blah blah", but not this time. Keep the porn out of the morn or at the very least stop zoning erotic book/film stores near my Dunkin Donuts.

Philabusted

I know I'm a few days late but don't worry the baby isn't yours.

Dr. Phil is in the process of divorce, commence hysterical laughter now. That's right America's martial advice superstar and one time Oprah butt plug (is butt plug one word or two?) cannot keep his own marriage together. I guess that means the rest of us are fucked too.

Actually we aren't, Dr. Phil is the worst thing to happen to television since Baywatch was taken off the air. Remember CJ?? She's the best. Not only was he a complete asshole to all of his guests but his advice was so pedestrian I think bums could have given it. Also, I'm pretty sure that twang in his voice is fake. Either way, he is a huge douche.



Did anyone not see this coming? His last name is McGraw. I'm sure his wedding song was some country sad ass ballad or at the very least Olivia Newton John thus dooming him for life. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones but I think we can all agree that people should throw stones at Dr. Phil.

The larger point, make sure your own ship isn't sinking before you start saving others. Or at the very least give everyone a life vest first.

Live and Let Die

Lately I have been hammering the sports juggernaut known as ESPon because of their sordid ability to determine what not only constitutes as news but also our power to view said news. I'm sorry to say that today that lambasting continues. Why? Because Favre is back that's why.

Let me preface this post by saying I think Brett Favre is one of the greater QB"s to ever play the game.



Now that he has "retired" let's try to go a week without mentioning his name. Unfortunately, that can't happen to the guys over at the worldwide leader, Favre = Jesus and without him life isn't worth living. Favre had bacon for breakfast?!?!? Oh shit, that might mean he is coming back, sound the Favre Horn! (which I imagine sounds like the music from a Wrangler jeans commercial) Favre was out of his house this morning talking to his mailman, who mentioned Favre said something about Kansas' comeback. You know what that means, Favre comeback!

No it doesn't. None of that means absolute shit. In fact shortly after it was reported that Favre was mulling a comeback both he and his agent denied it. Up yours ESPon! Wait, what? ESPon is still reporting that Favre is still considering coming back? Even after Favre said he didn't want to. Favre said he would help the Packers if they needed him? Holy shit, let's riot.

Here is a novel idea, let's leave Favre alone and see what happens. Will he come back? Maybe. Will he get addicted to painkillers again? I hope so. Is he a robot that is controlled by ESPon with sole reason being to keep the world focused on football and ESPon's TV shows? Definitely.



Did I miss something? Can it be considered news if you just make it up? If Favre changes his mind then you will be permitted to inundate the masses with your Favrian propaganda that I am sure you already have queued up but until then please report what is actually happening, not speculation.