Less Bush

You'd think from the title this would be an anti-G.W. Bush piece but its not, it's about retro trends I don't want to see brought back. Ever.

For the past few years retro styles and ideals have been coming back like nobodies business. Could I cite some examples for you? Sure, but I'm far too lazy for that. Sometimes a throwback to the past is great (retro jerseys for Pro teams) but I'm silently waiting for this trend to spiral downward faster than an Atlantic City hooker.




1) Bush

One thing I don't want brought back is bush, huge massive pubic bush. At some point having a mane of pubes was really cool, not anymore so shave your shit. Beyond that, how was that ever cool? It may be the most uncomfortable hair in the entire world. I would have loved to live in that society, sure I would have been an outcast but at least I wouldn't have had Abe Lincoln's face stapled to my nuts.

2) Stonewashed/ Acid Wash Jeans




Another piece of nostalgia I could do without are stonewashed/acid wash jeans. They might be the ugliest item of clothing ever manufactured. At first I thought that sentence might be going too far but then I thought about it, its not. Those things were fucking terrible and still are. I never want to live in a world where those are cool again, I would almost rather live in a world where status was determined by the size of your bush than wear acid wash jeans.

3) Beating your kids in public



I thought that was a thing of the past but recently I have seen a few outbursts. Honestly, beating kids in public is so white trash modern homosapiens can't even comprehend it. Kids are kids, sometimes they fuck up, so what? A stern talking to will do just fine and if it doesn't at least wait until you are home to smack the shit out of them. No one likes to hear children crying, it's the soundtrack to hell I think, so please refrain from beating them in public.

4) Trough Urinals



This one may only resonate with men, but it is something I hope stays banished out of bathroom designs for the rest of my years. There is just something about peeing directly into a tub with a dozen other men that I can't get into. Oh that's right, it fucking sucks. That has to be one of the more unhealthy ways to take a piss. No one wants to play swords against 24 other guys at once. It ends up becoming a giant melting pot of urine, makes me puke just thinking about it.


5) Carrot Top




Prop comedy was never funny, whoever said it was should be hung in the town square. Carrot Top was once the number one offender and he has since cooled his jets. Every now and then he rears his ugly head (thanks Comedy Central) but then he disappears like the hemorrhoid that he is. If Opie and He-Man fucked and produced a child it would be Carrot Top. Besides, contracting HIV is funnier than Carrot Top.

Screw T-Mobile, that is my top 5 (for right now anyway). Enjoy and feel free to add on yours in the comments section.

A Quest of Futility

I'm a snacker, I love snacks. If life was as enjoyable at 350 lbs as it is a 250 lbs I would snack all fucking day. It's not, so I don't but every now and then when a new snack product hits the market I feel the need to flex my taste buds and sample. (For the good of mankind of course)




The newest snack? Doritos The Quest. Looked enticing enough, sweet futuristic black bag, a mystery flavor, I was all in. Holy shit was I wrong. Whatever flavor that chip claims to be is one I would be interested in destroying. Not only that put whatever genius came up with it needs to be excommunicated out of the country.


The Quest tastes so bad that if I were near death trapped on an island with no other food source but bags and bags of The Quest I would starve myself. If I had to categorize the flavor of these things it would be a limey, corn chip type triangle dipped in vomit. The amount of lime on each chip is so overwhelming that even your tongue wants to beat the shit out of you once you finished chewing. Saying that this chip tastes bad is an insult to the word bad.




Curious minds (in the form of one of my buddies) went online to determine this great mystery. The answer to this brain buster? Mountain Dew. Mountain fucking Dew. Awesome, a chip that tastes like a soda that no one drinks anymore. Mountain Dew is the last soda flavor I would attempt to translate to chip form. If anyone could make a cream soda tasting chip I would be on that train, but Mountain Dew? Step your game up Doritos.

A Mountain Dew flavored chip? Horrible idea. But it gets worse, there is a video game online that involves puzzles and has multiple chapters, sweet. You know what, whoever wastes their lives figuring out those should take the time to figure out how to derail all of Doritos trucks off the roads so we don't have to be subjected to these horrible excuses for a snack.

Correct me if I'm wrong but haven't we already been to this rodeo Doritos?


That's right we have, how did that turn out? Apparently that Flavor Master you were searching for has the palate of a goat.

The real mystery here is how these chips actually reached the public. Are the Doritos and Mountain Dew people trying to take over the snacking world? If so, I would say they didn't lead with their strong foot.

Flooding the Poorhouse

The NBA playoffs are here and that means one thing... exciting playoff action? Wrong. It means TBS is going to inundate viewers with commercials for some of the shittiest shows known to man. Not only that but they are going to air them so frequently that not only will people not watch them but instead I will post about how terrible they are and rip them apart before they air. I vow to continue that crusade until every single person I know agrees with me. And if one of my friends dares to actually tune into any of the unfunny original comedies that TBS tries to cram down our gullets they should prepare for death. No joke.



TBS used to be a channel you could depend on for classic comedy movies and re-runs of your favorite shows, but now they have begun to write and create their own comedy shows, terrible. This clusterfuck of an idea actually began last year, what show they pumped I can't recall mainly because it isn't on the air anymore. Oh that's right it was Frank TV, how did that ratings monster turn out? Great premise though, a fat guy who is pretty good at impressions pretends to be people 100 lbs heavier. Fantastic! I hope whoever pushed that show for TBS got burned at the stake.


My eyes hurt from Google image searching Frank TV. Thanks TBS.



I would have loved to be involved with the pitch meeting for this most recent endeavor.

Bill Engvall: Ok, it is a family comedy, think Family Ties + Green Acres - humor = ratings gold

TBS Exec: Fuck it, add a smoking hot daughter and you have got yourself a show.

Bill Engvall: Really?

TBS Exec: Yeah, I mean why not? Every other show we have put on blows and I will probably lose my job before your craptastic venture even airs.

Bill Engvall: Won't a hot daughter take the attention off my snappy writing and timely humor?

TBS Exec: Exactly.


I wouldn't be surprised if that is really how it went, and you know what? I don't care how many hot daughters you pile in there, I'm not tuning in. I'm sure you will kill in the 18-35 toothless redneck demographic though.



Why would you pump so many commercials months in advance? Shit, CSI doesn't even plug as much as you and they actually have viewers. Your only getting Engvall's hopes up just to crush them under the iron fist of horrendous family comedies. I wish you all the best hot daughter, as for the rest of you at TBS, not funny.

A Brand New Edition

SHAMELESS PLUG ALERT!!!!!!!!

This post is to inform you, the loyal reader, of a new blog I will be lending my fantastic (although grammatically incorrect) writing skills to. Entitled Cover 2, it will have two authors (myself and a good friend) and completely sports oriented material.

There is a link to it at the top of my blog roll, please feel free to check it out and as always comment on what you read.

Also, please excuse the appearance of Cover 2, we haven't quite settled on the cosmetics but the ideas will be flowing aplenty.

END SHAMELESS PLUG ALERT!!

Lessons in Noodle Armory

Do you like that play on words? You might once I get to the bulk of the post, trust me, I'm super clever. Happy Cinco De Mayo to those of you with the ability to celebrate, and if your stuck behind a desk like me spite them with all your power.

Let's start off today with an R.I.P. to my man Jeff Healey, the blind guitarist from Road House, man that guy could rip it.




*Road House side note* That chick might be my #1 late 80's crush of all time, sorry Phoebe Cates your now number 2.



Sorry, back to the topic at hand, noodle arms. Not everyone is blessed with a cannon attached to their body, this I know. But it is no excuse for the travesty that repeats itself every day on my driveway. (Was that a haiku?) Each morning I wake up with that familiar blue plastic rectangle perched at the top of my driveway. Yep, the good ol' NY Times practically hanging out into the road.

How can your throws be so shitty? Who are you? Ryan Leaf? Akili Smith? Either way your arm sucks.



As the nicer weather approaches this becomes less of a nuisance but would it hurt you, (that means you NY Times delivery guy!), to heave that thing a little farther down the driveway? It's already pitched downhill just slide it down that beast. Are you saving your arm for a call up to the bigs? I thought the NY Times was the equivalent to the show? Even the guy who tosses the local paper gets more distance than you.

If every day can't be a good toss how about just the days of torrential downpours and white outs? Trudging through the monsoons is bad enough but now your going to make me hike up the driveway to get a rain soaked early edition? Fuck that. My house even has a sweet overhang above the front door to provide shelter for that archaic scroll known as a newspaper so start putting some mustard on your tosses.




Shit, you send a sweet little envelope every holiday begging for fucking tips, which I am totally willing to provide if I can get a little more in return. Maybe this Christmas I'll give you a coupon for some throwing lessons at the local batting cage. You've been warned NY Times guy, don't make me get the hose.