It's All In the Name

Hurricane season is upon us and with it comes a plethora of terrible names. Calling them terrible is an understatement, atrocious maybe, any way you slice it the current format for naming hurricanes needs to be re-evaluated.

Here is a quick sampling of the recent and upcoming names that have been used and what they invoke in my mind every time I hear them : Iris, Isabel, Katrina, Rita, Jeanne, Wilma, Dennis, Fay, Gustav... do you need more? I didn't think so. If I looked at those first 6 names grouped together I would think it is the roll call for my grandmother's weekly canasta game. Gustav? How threatening does that sound? Here comes Gustav, that fat European exchange student who eats way too much candy and can't even see his dick. Not quite hurricane worthy names in my opinion.


Besides how intimidating is the name Fay? When that storm rolls through I'll be expecting fresh baked pies and cookies on my doorstep, not my neighbors El Camino. Fay instills the picture of a 86 year old grandma with a penchant for crossword puzzles and knitting, it certainly doesn't sound like a storm capable of death and destruction. That my friends is why the system needs to be changed.

If storms were titled with appropriate names perhaps people would actually give them the respect they deserve. If Hurricane Super Death was slowly working its way towards your town I would bet any amount of money in the world that people would be on high alert. Why? Because the hurricane is called Super Death, you already know its a bad ass storm if it received that name so don't fuck around. If names were given based upon the severity people would know right away whether to pack it up and run or to stay at home and watch unfold from their living rooms.
What if it's a small ass storm, instead of giving it some crap name you should let people know it sucks, call it Tropical Storm Douche bag, it might annoy the shit out of you but it won't cause any harm.


The possibilities would be endless as well as descriptive and more practical. Maybe my solution is a work in progress but it beats the hell out of the old system. Enough with Humberto, Claudette, Ophelia, and Paloma, give me Super Death, or House Crusher. Maybe they lack the international flavor but they make up for it in gumption. Besides what human wants to share a name with a storm system? I would, only if the storm in question was called Tropical Storm Super Awesome.

TBS Rides Again

I thought TBS couldn't be any dumber... wrong. I was really wrong. You showed me TBS. Here I thought nothing could be worse than Frank TV or the Bill Engvall Show and you somehow manage to make things worse. As if the allotted time of commercials within shows wasn't annoying enough you had to go and blow your commercial wad during shows as well, you greedy bastard.


TBS has already ruined the NBA for me and is now on a path to ruin TV forever. The hurricane of commercialism that is TBS will not stop advertising until it kills them, or me, I can't decide which. Are you in my brain TBS? Figuring out which possible way you can advertise "The Closer" to piss me off the most. I think you are. How else can you explain the ads that take up 30% of the screen while another show is airing on my television set. Do these not bother anyone else? I'm getting deja vu here, I think it was only a few months back that I wrote about how terrible the ads between shows were and now you compound that by running ads during a show for another show?

They really aren't quite ads either, more like creepy silent movies of people stalking around attempting to invade your TV. Thank god they haven't added sound to them... yet. Every time I see Kyra Sedgwick appear on my screen in the middle of a Family Guy episode I could cry, if I wasn't so enraged. Does anyone else think she looks Skeletor's worse half? If he had one, which he didn't. It still doesn't make the comparison false or not hilarious.


Bottom line, save the ads for commercial breaks, not mid-show or during an important sporting event. They are only effective in pissing you off and triggering potential killing sprees due to commercial overload. If that's what your aiming for TBS go right ahead, but if you actually want to gain more viewers for that Holly Hunter show I would appreciate not bringing her on screen during a re-run of the Office if only because your ads are so space intrusive I sometimes think a new character has been added to the show without being introduced.


Again, I hope your new trend does not continue to every other network but I see that the foundation is already in place, thanks for nothing TBS.

Odds and Ends

I did exactly what I promised not to do and I'm sorry, again. I would say that I won't ever let it happen again but that would probably not go over convincingly. So I will resort to petty forgiveness gifts. Do these help?

Or these?

I certainly hope so because I would love to keep our relationship intact. Me as the witty, all-knowing author with terrible grammar and you as the loyal reader hanging onto every poorly constructed sentence. If only that second part about having readers were true, the world would be a magical place.

As mentioned in previous posts from way back when, I am a commuter. I use public transportation to the fullest and lately of few issues need to be resolved. Both of these go beyond the realm of morning commutes and should be followed by in general for numerous reasons. Mainly everyone else will appreciate it and also you won't be a douche bag. Sound reasoning in my mind.

Numero one is knowing when or where is an appropriate situation to wear sunglasses. On a day where there are nothing but grey skies and clouds you probably can leave those in your bag. Or you could wear them the entire way to work on a train surrounded by people all not wearing sunglasses and completely stick out like an asshole, the choice is yours? Are people obsessed with the Matrix still? Is that why sunglasses are worn so inappropriately. When the sun is gone it means the need to wear sunglasses is also gone, rendering the sunglasses useless.

Besides can you actually see where your going with sunglasses on at night? If you can you have to be raping your eyes. Perpetual dark vision is only good for owls and bats not homosapiens. I bet your the kid who wore sunglasses in every picture at prom and thought it was totally sweet. Newsflash Corey Hart wannabe it wasn't, and everyone made fun of you behind your back. Bottom line Neo; A) you do not look cool, B) your probably damaging your corneas, retinas, or something else in your eye, and finally C) your lack of judgement in sunglasses wearing makes me distrust your judgement in anything else as well. If those are your 3 main goals in life keep on rocking shades all the time, every time. If not, get a fucking clue and maybe an eye exam.

Number dos is even more universal because as stupid as wearing sunglasses constantly may be, smelling terrible in close quarters is worse, especially if your unbearable to look at. This rant is going to come off pretty harsh but I will preface it with this one statement: I understand that I'm not Adonis but at the same time I'm not haggard and if I were, I would go out of my way to make sure everything else about me (smell, personality etc) was as good as gold, that way when someone said "Oh, that guy, he's gross" someone else could respond "Yeah, he's not much to look at but at least he smells nice and is kind of heart." With that out of the way onto the verbal bashing.

Sure your overweight, or terrible looking, and probably made fun of as a kid. Maybe you have a complex and even a "People I Hate List" lingering around from your high school days but guess what? Your an adult now and it is not acceptable to smell like shit all the time. If you aren't homeless and possess a house or at least access to running water showers should not be an issue. At the very least spray some perfume/cologne on before leaving in the morning, if not for you for the other noses your odor will come in contact with.




Smell is something you can directly change with a few simple changes to your everyday habits. The combined power of soap and water does wonders. Spray some perfume, shower in it, or use a combination of washing and fragrances, it's all good, just please stop smelling like shit at 7:30 AM. Because you and I both know you have to actively try to smell bad if people can catch a waft of your pungent scent before noon. But remember, fragrances are to be used in moderation or else you will end up in this rant.