Street Tragic

David Blaine was back on TV again last night, much to the chagrin of myself and any other self respecting human on the face of the Earth. If life is a highway, David Blaine is a jackknifed tractor trailer truck full of fireworks, that are all duds.

Does anyone find anything remotely cool about this guy? Sweet, you hung upside down for 60 hours. Sounds more like elective torture than a stunt. The ending was the biggest crock of it all, Blaine descended to the platform, via cable wire harness, and was then whisked away, impressing absolutely no one.


What happened to magicians preforming tricks and illusions? If anything Blaine might be the most patient person in the world but that's about it. All of his "stunts" have involved him doing something for an extremely unnecessarily long amount of time (holding his breath, balancing on 1 foot, hanging upside down) and pretending that its impressive. You know what's really impressive? That people actually watch his stunts thinking something cool might happen. Criss Angel may look like a Bon Jovi roadie who wandered out of a time capsule but at least in his stunts there is some action going on

The latest trick was titled David Blaine: Dive of Death which coincidentally has to be the worst case of false advertising I have ever seen. Not only did Blaine not die, but he never dove anywhere. He stayed strung up above Central Park and slowly released towards the ground when he was done. Nothing death defying there.



In summation, David Blaine the endurance artist, is probably the biggest con artist of all time. I hope he never performs in anything in any capacity ever again. At least not until he can pull a rabbit out of a hat or some shit.

Captain Obvious

Thanks to Clay Aiken to announcing to the world what we all knew, he likes dudes. Not only that, but that he is done hiding it. Hiding what? You were already the but of about 90% of the gay jokes out there. I don't think there has been a more obvious punchline to a gay joke since Andy Dick.



Don't get this confused, I have nothing wrong with Clay Aiken being gay, I have a problem with the fact he thought it was news. I mean what kept him from coming out on American Idol? Did he think if he did he wouldn't win? Wait, he didn't win and still didn't come out, tough break. Great PR work though.

This "confession" puts Canseco's juicing to shame. Sure we all thought Jose was on the sauce but we still needed to hear it from his mouth. Not the case for Clay, I would have been shocked if he got some chick knocked up or had a dead hooker stuffed in the trunk of his car but telling the world he's gay, old news bro.


Think about it, you had a kid via artificial insemination. With a chick named Jaymes? I think that's a pretty nice sign that you don't like having sex with women. Because if I know one thing about sex with women, it is that its awesome and totally awesome.



Moral of the story, don't be ignorant. If you sing your ass off and look like a sexually ambiguous twelve year old the world probably already assumes your gay, no explanation is necessary.

Up Yours Eli Whitney...

Thanks for answering my prayers God....



I just saw this on TV a few nights ago and cried because I was so happy. Pancakes any time? Yes please, sign me up for that. From the info I have gathered on the internets they look promising. I haven't dared to try it yet but I will and the results will be posted.

Originally I was somewhat upset about this but then cooler heads (and larger stomachs) prevailed and it was determined (by anyone who is cool) that Bisquick Shake & Pour is the best invention ever. Imagine waking up every morning and making pancakes in a matter of minutes. I couldn't have but now I am and it's fucking super sweet. Breakfast is BACK!!! Hooray!!!

I know breakfast purists may not enjoy this but making pancakes has to be the toughest part. Every day used to be a bacon & eggs day but now you can switch it up, or add pancakes to whatever else you wanted, it's all good.

I think a simple equation might be the best way to see it.

Pancakes + Squeeze bottle = Me eating more pancakes

Now if we could only have cheeseburgers in squeeze form.....


In other news, Brian Austin Green is the man... again. OK, so he once did this but now he is engaged to this:

I think that makes up for a few terrible rap videos and maybe even a DUI bust or two. Unreal. If Brian Austin Green can pull that in I should just shoot myself in the head now. Terrific.

For those of you who don't know that is Megan Fox,a totally knockout and obscenely gorgeous, talented and officially my dream woman. So let it be known Megan, if BAG breaks your heart I will be there to pick up the pieces.


Time for some pancakes.

Liquid Crisis

You wake up, hit snooze, wake up 5 minutes later to see that its raining monsoon style with no end in sight.

For most of us those events would trigger 1 of 2 possible reactions, 1) throw on a rain jacket or grab and umbrella or 2) climb back in bed and determine this rain is too much to handle. Seems pretty simple right? It's raining out therefore I must do something to protect myself from it, yet for some reason all I have seen lately is people sprinting through downpours. I don't get it, you knew it was raining, you went outside and started your journey to wherever the hell you were going, then decided to start running thinking it will help? I can't figure it out. Did you think running would get you less wet? In a thunderstorm no less? Stupid.

Buy a raincoat (does that word still exist?) or umbrella so you don't look like some fucking crazy person chugging through the bad weather in jeans and t shirt. At the very least put a garbage over you, sure you'll look white trash as hell but at least you'll be dry. If not, I really hope you get pneumonia for being a dumb ass.

Coincidences

It's only fitting that after I write a post about names that I change the name of this blog. As much as I will miss Every Time a Baby Dies a Volcano Gets its Wings, I realized that perhaps my title choice could be viewed incorrectly. Just for the record, I am pro babies not dying, with that in comes Taming the Shrewd.

Not only is it less of a tongue twister, but it also fills the cleverness quota which has been sorely lacking from my most recent posts. Along with the new name may come some formatting and aesthetic changes to spruce the place up a bit.

Frankly, I think it was time for a change, not only in the title but perhaps the content as well. Usually I stick to the funny, but now I'm heading in more of a free thinking diatribe that may be funny or political or neither depending on the subject and more importantly my mood.

More tomorrow.