Amusings

Kind of an odds and ends thing.. I guess. It could be me succumbing to eternal laziness gene that will allow to tackle multiple issues at once, thus allowing for me to actually attempt to do work as well.

I hate to keep bringing it up, but TBS forces it out of me. I saw one of the more recent Frank TV ads involving other comedians doing more bad impressions. What the fuck?!?!?!?!?!?! I'm running out of adjectives to describe my pain. It has clearly become something that is bigger than me and cannot be stopped by just one man and a blog. Kudos to you Frank TV, I am admitting (partial) defeat. How can I not? Not only has FTV secured a second season but it has also somehow found comedians worse than you, to perform poorer impressions on your terrible show that was already full of horrendous impressions... amazing. As if that was not enough of a slap in the face towards moi, you also managed to cross over into bad minstrel act by impersonating "someone" in black face. I say "someone" because black or white your characters are relatively ambiguous. The most recent creation looks like Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air mated with Willow.





Also, wonder boy Michael Phelps is pushing Rosetta Stone... Forgive me for stating more of the obvious but that lisp cannot be ignored. I have enough trouble believing he can speak English correctly let alone learn Chinese. Isn't that supposed to be one of the tougher languages ever? I thought so. You think with all of those gold medals he couls at least hire a speech pathologist first. Trust me, I'm not hating on the endorsement train that Phelps is about to ride, I hope he sells out hardcore, just choose wisely young Michael...

Ok, back to the grind for now.

I Can See Clearly Now

the rain is gone... I can see all obstacles in my way...

It's Friday and I'm feeling good. Nothing super awesome has happened to make this occur but I'll run with it as long as it lasts.

I don't know a good way to start my next observation so I'm going to stream of consciousness it out and people will have to pick up the pieces. I was on the train to NYC last weekend and was in need of some reading material... My buddy had my iPod and conversation just wasn't cutting it.

One thing leads to another and in my hands arrives a Cosmopolitan magazine. Great, a look into the female brain and LC on the cover. You know I dig it! First article title that gets pointed out to me? "Am I Normal Down There?" What the fuck?!!!??!!!!?!?!?!?! What pandora's box did I just open? This may not be exactly what I though it was. All these problems and articles... my head was starting to explode. How do I do this for my guy? Are my gums too pink? Can I unbend my ears so they look cuter? Is my vagina too small? Wait... what? too small? who knows... and to be honest a guy probably doesn't care.

Every page lead to more simultaneous laughter and confusion, or conflaughter. And then all of a sudden it dawned on me... women weren't always crazy, Cosmo and magazines of that ilk made them that way. Or at least brought out the inner craziness. So the secrets out ladies, your magazines are totally fucked, so stop reading them.

They give false hope, false in the sense that no guy actually thinks the way those crazy ass magazines portray them or your small vaginas. If it ain't broke don't fix it. I'm sure there are women out there without working vaginas and they are the ones who should be bummed, not you, with a perfectly fine working vagina but maybe you don't like the cut of its jib.

So please, stop taking advice from all these dumb ass magazines that don't have the slightest idea what they are talking about...

P.S. Please excuse the poor grammar and potential misspellings... I'm leaving work early.

Rage Personified

Frank Caliendo is slowly but surely ruining my life. First it was Frank TV, and now its back for a second season and he has a commercial gig too.... have all my writings fallen on deaf ears? Who the fuck watches that show? Why are people still hiring this man? I don't get it and a refuse to understand it.


I have to concede that Mr. Caliendo does do a pretty good job imitating voices, his main problem is that when he dresses up like Jerry Seinfeld in that Turbo HD commercial he looks like a fatter Wayne Newton. It's not his fault but it really takes away from the performance. On second thought, yeah it is his fault. If anything it looks like he devoured them whole and stole their voice boxes, either way he should stop getting work.

Maybe complete destruction is too much to ask and normally I would settle, but as the saying goes if you give someone an inch they usually take a mile and a mile of Frank Caliendo scares the shit out of me. Honestly, TBS is wearing me thinner than Karen Carpenter.

Again, I would say get out and tell someone else but I think it would be in false hope. Clearly there is some breed of human who enjoys watching Frank TV. Here is to them, and to hoping they become extinct soon.

Bad Dreams

While toiling in my insomnia a few nights ago I ran across this commercial which I had seen a few dozen times before but never actually paid any attention to. Now that I have I can say go fuck yourself Finally Fast.com.

I'm not sure if there is a more annoying commercial out there right now. On second thought, I'm sure there is and I'm glad I haven't seen it. Maybe your product works or maybe it doesn't, I don't know. What I do know is that your marketing department isn't too worried about accuracy.

Notice the first two machines being used in the spot, both Macs, then check for the fine print mere seconds later... "FinallyFast.com is for PC Computers Only". Great, then lets get some fucking PC's on the screen. Your advertising a program for PC's with Macs? I hope someone got fired.

How about that douche bag's haircut, totally different at the beginning from the end. Is his hair spiked up because now his computer is so fast it blows his mind? If so, that might be the single dumbest subtle difference in the history of commercials.

Look, I know a commercial like this isn't supposed to be great but at least try to be somewhat accurate. You couldn't secure two PC's for the filming of this thing? It's a fucking program for PC's!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!!!!!!! Get your shit together.

Jesus Can't Balance a Budget

I have some other more funny things to get to sooner rather than later, but first, my one and only political rant for the election season. (I think)

My mind is completely fried from this stuff but I think it's worth stating opinions to let people know where you stand, or don't stand. As for where I caucus? It's with the democrats. I don't think I need to get into why, because it should become evident as this goes along, but I think I'm writing this mostly to quell my inner-self from implosion.



The economy is in shambles, we are in a never ending war on terror, but when pizza's on a bagel you can have pizza any time! I'm watching the debate right now, via YouTube. I'm going to free write some notes on what is happening. Kind of like a play by play, a day later.

The opening is hilarious, it takes Brokaw at least a minute to realize he is even on TV. Priceless.

McCain looks like Elmer Fudd, with diabetes.

Obama wins the toss, elects to receive. The first question comes from some southern drawled yokel, I'm sure he loves McCain. Both let everyone know how thankful they are for being there and participating.

BOOM! McCain needles.... Brokaw. I don' t think robots are allowed to be Treasury Secretary anyway. Obama's choice? To make fun of McCain. Great, answer the question fool, it's all red-states understand.

Currently we are two questions in, Obama completely ignored the the discussion after the first question. I don't get it, if you want people to vote for you let them know what your thinking.

Brokaw is a robot. I just saw a spark come from his neck.

Fannies and Freddies... who gives a shit who got money from whom. Answer the fucking questions.

"Will the economy get worse before it gets better?" Personally I would say yes, what do the candidates say? Both are confident it will turn around and soon. Bullshit, total bullshit. Don't lie to us fellas, we can take it.
Obama: "I wrote a letter."
McCain: " I think it depends on what we do", " I also wrote a letter."

People still write letters? Hook it up with some Gmail, way faster.



The lady who asked question 3 almost jumped out and stabbed someone. She wants know if we can trust either candidate with our money, I want to know if we can trust either with kitchen appliances. Both men used the word cynicism, I think McCain spells it "sinicism".

McCain is trying to kill Obama for his spending. Just checked some facts, McCain's plan would increase the national debt by $1.3 trillion, Obama's by $400 billion, nice try big guy.

Now McCain is championing his ability to work across the aisle, with... Joe Lieberman? Isn't he an independent now, that's more like diagonally, not across.

According to Obama, they are paying $3.80 a gallon for gas in Nashville. That sucks. I just filled up at $3.23. Both men are egregiously ignoring the 1 minute time limit imposed on the discussion period. I think TB's CPU might overload.

A solid deficit joke by Brokaw. No one laughs. According to himself, McCain single handedly saved the taxpayers 6.8 billion!!! Apparently all by himself, no one helped just him and his trusty quill letter writing pen. McCain seems pretty positive that he can tackle all financial and health care issues at once, he must be high.

BAM! Obama with the first 9/11 reference, 29 minutes in. I hope whoever won that pool puts that money back into the economy.

Obama in regards to Bush's economic Policy. "Bush to America: 'Go out and shop!'", now that's an economic policy I can get behind.

Obama on the sacrifices Americans need to make to help the economy, "conserve and reduce your energy usage". Not bad, that would be a start, but why is no one saying what's really going on. Everyone should understand the economy is going to get worse before it gets better and that global warming wasn't invented by Al Gore. These problems exist and perhaps we should all be a part of the solution.

Obama, the modern day Robin of Lake Erie, taking from the rich to give to the poor. I like that, I'm poor and I would love some free money. McCain, " Nailing down Sen. Obama's various tax proposals is like nailing Jello to a wall." Ohhh, the mud has been slung. I thought that joke was going to be about Brokaw's womanly chest.

McCain doesn't want to raise taxes for anyone, everyone should be given money from the government instead. Tax breaks for every one, that makes total sense. I can really see that turning things around.



McCain keeps saying everything is an easy fix. Social Security, no problem. Economic turmoil, under control. Medicare, medishmare. Does anything phase this guy? Check that, does he even know those are problems? Or where he is right now.

Ok, I nodded off for a minute. Tom Brokaw needs to be de-fragged, he is freaking out. I applaud his robotic attempts to keep both of them on topic but I think it is impossible.

John McCain loves America! I don't know how many times he has used the reasoning "because we are America", or "because that's how America does it," as his explanation of how he plans to get things done. I would love to meet the person who agrees with that reasoning, and then count their teeth.


Ok ok I can't take it anymore, my brain is about to explode and I have to stop watching this thing. I know I didn't cover all of it but it really wasn't that interesting. Brokaw spends so much time attempting to keep things under control that you could confuse him for an angry adoptive step-father. Hopefully the next debate will give us an insight of what our next 4 years could look like, not what the other guy's last 8 years has.